Sheep_250

I can't stop typing in this thing. Fuck this thing. Played Halo 2. Sucked. It's like something sucked the life force outta me and I can't do shit. I can't even play Halo. That was my claim to fame too. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

This is pissing me off.

I swore I wouldn't get like this. I also said I wouldn't type out any emotions online anymore. I think I said that about an hour ago, and look where that got me. I feel so weird. And I keep yapping in this thing. Like I want people's sympathy and shit. And I do. Which is the shitty thing. I love to be surrounded by people, yet I don't wanna be around any one right now, but I do, but I don't, and I do. I swear, repress shit for years and it all comes bubbling up and you vomit it all out onto some open-faced journal that no one reads yet you think they do. I'm falling into the whole attention whore aspect of this thing again.

Maybe I need to delete it.

No, that's too rash.

I think I need to watch more Bleach. Yes. I think that'll pass by the time. I bet none of this is making sense right about now. Pretty much any thought that runs through my head I'm typing out. Which is probably making me sound like an idiot. But oh well, I do enough of that as is to care about this very moment.

I probably shouldn't of eaten that pizza earlier. Might make me sick. Oh well.

I think I might quit my job after I pay Kurt back. But I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. I need money, for what, I dunno. But I need it. That's what everyone tells me. That, and to go back to school. But fuck money, and fuck school. I really don't want either.

See, I think the reason I'm doing this shit here is because I really really really wanna talk to someone, but I really don't have anyone that I can talk to about ALL of my problems that isn't either biased, involved or just frankly doesn't give a damn about my issues. I really don't think most people give a shit about other people's issues on a regular basis, no matter who you are. I hate thinking that I'm so great because I do care, but I honestly think that when I talk, people go, "Blah blah blah blah blah."

I also hate getting responses like, "Just let it go." Right. Because if I could just "let it go" I wouldn't be sitting here trying to talk to you about my shit. Idiot. Let it go. What the fuck is that shit. You don't just "let it go". I wish shit were that easy. But noooooo. All sorts of different emotions set in. And it's not just shit I can "let go". If I could let go, I wouldn't talk to you, I wouldn't have problems, I wouldn't need to type out a fucking paragraph like this if I could let go. I'd be perfect. I'd be doing just fine, minding my own business and I'd be in so much control. I wouldn't have needs, because I could just "let it go" whenever something didn't work out for me. God fucking tap dancing christ that pisses me off.

I feel like I can't trust anyone. Like everyone is out to get me. Fucking paranoia. Maybe I have a right to feel that way, maybe I don't. I'll never know. Because everytime I talk to anyone, they are mega fucking cryptic. I also hate that. If I ask someone a question, and they respond with, "Maybe there's more than meets the eye", or, "Maybe you're not getting the whole truth", and, "You didn't hear that from me, but you never know", I wanna beat someone in the face.

I hate roundabout crap.

I hate everything right now in fact.

I'm just filling myself up with some kind of emotion. And the emotion just seems to keep changing on me. I'm either happy, sad, pissed, lonely, depressed or paranoid. Never a combination, but when I hit any of those emotions, I light up like a roman candle. I used to have such a good grip on myself. I really hate what I'm turning into. But I feel like this is another transitional phase in my life.

I'm really really really tempted to move. I've been thinking about going to live with Justin in Vegas, or asking Beld if he wants to get a place with me since his roomate is about to probably go to prison. Just somewhere to start fresh. I really don't have too much tying me down here right now, but doing something like that would be very hard. Money wise at least. It would be nice to just buy a plane ticket and go. Most times in my life when I hit phases like this, I've always taken trips. Last time was when I went to Colorado and visited Adam. That was fun. I don't know. I think if I start to get any worse, I will move. All of my resources here are running dry and I'm not as deep rooted here as I was before.


All I know is I'm pissed, I hate everyone and I can't shake this goddamn feeling. I need distance. From everyone. Let shit run it's course and maybe come back one day. And with the way I'm feeling, I don't think I'd miss anyone. I'd just be bitter towards it all. Towards everyone. It really sucks to say that, but I need to be honest. I can't stop kidding myself. I'm starting to feel a little better now, actually. After typing this all out. But I'm gonna start looking into getting out of here, I think. We'll have to see how the next couple of months work out.


I think I'm feeling this way because I suck at Halo right now. I think that's it.